It's everywhere. Money.
There's so much, it spills. Garbage. Back and forth and all along the streets.
The man is holding out his hat on the corner of Robson and Thurlow, smacking his lips, shifting from foot to foot as if he needs to pee, asking for money. or coffee? or garbage.
And I'm drinking it, sitting right inside.
They walk back and forth. Pretty clothes. Eye shadow and BMWs. Armani and Lululemon. The sun is shining today. Across the street, a girl is strumming her guitar and singing her own songs, selling her CDs. No one is buying. There is a recession, isn't there. Out in front of the Art Gallery, it is now late evening, a young dude masked by his hair and sunglasses, belts out songs in Japanese, a crappy amp broadcasting his earnest simple guitar chords. His voice is ugly, but in tune. People walk by, look. Freak. He doesn't care.
I am touched.
A moment ago, a display for the "Canadians for Democracy in Iran." Lots of text and graphic shots. I remember the anti-abortion displays on UBC campus. images of extracted fetuses next to canadian quarters. A bus drives by with "tax deductible mortgage plans" advertised along the top.
Today at the hospital we discuss a man who was started on hemodialysis, then diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer. The dialysis will prolong his life from weeks to months. Family wants the dialysis to continue. We would never have started dialysis on a man with metastatic pancreatic cancer. He wants every bit of time he can get, even if it means being needled and made hypotensive every other day, and spending his remaining days on a hospital acute care ward, instead of in his home.
Choices.
I hear about a bombing in a part of the world I've never seen. That I probably wouldn't accurately locate on a map. When was the last time I even looked at a map of the world. Everybody seems to care about the green planet these days. Even on my coffee cup, there's a reminder to be green.
Green is the colour of envy. Green in the face, right before you vomit.
I know someone. She's been cheated on at least twice by the same guy. She doesn't leave him. She sees the good, the potential, the hope. Loyalty? Optimism. The best endure the worst. The hematologist at the hospital confesses in a brief moment of self-pity, "if you're nice, you get left with more work." If you're kind and forgiving, you get wounded more.
As I sit here, I worry I've lost all my friends. Because I didn't work hard enough to hold them. Did I work at all?
But isn't there something more important?
The girl in front is reading through her ALDO receipt.
Isn't there something else?
People dying for stupid reasons. People dying for no reason. Esprit having a sale. It was a great show. I got a raise. Tonight is parent-teacher night. That cake looks delicious. We should have coffee sometime. Am I gaining weight? Will private school ruin my child? We've lost our appreciation for reality.
What do you care about? Why do I care? Do I...
This is not life.
This is not life.
But...
I'm in love. And it's entirely inside me.
Everything that matters is here and there. And nowhere else.
