Life will wait for you, sometimes

I should be studying. How many times in my life have I said that? How many times in the last year, week, hour... Put my head down, dig those heels into the soil, do the task bare in front of me. I care about my work. It matters to me. I know this now, as the haze and perversity of the past years recedes. But then why does it feel like life is slipping by?

Been so busy jumping through hoops. Did I not notice?

I read old posts. The last one is from just over half a year ago. Bright summer.

Next slide.

My own state: growing tired of the anxiety, the weight on my chest. But just push on for another few months. Just in time to feel optimistic again for another positive July blog post. I'm lucky.

And in the mean time... we are losing our loved ones. The hospital trips increase in frequency. I see people in their exit years all day everyday at work, but it doesn't prevent me from seeing the age spreading on the faces of my peers, my friends, my chosen family. I reflect on the lives that have come into mine for a time and moved on. And everything is moving on.

I realize that all my music mentors have died, or retired, or disappeared. Even the man who used to fix my violin and re-hair my bow is retiring.

And I'm left wondering, questioning whether any of it ever happened.

And I'm trusting, or rather I've been trusting that life will be there waiting, when I'm done with this obstacle course. But despite my age, I'm only just beginning.. just now beginning to see it. To see that life doesn't wait for any of us.

If I could, I would hold onto all of you forever. I'd preserve you... just as perfect as you are right now. I'd sing always. We'd all get lost together in dreams on Thursday nights at the Wired Monk. I'd learn all those languages, translate my grandmother's thoughts and memories. We'd watch the sunset and sunrise everyday. And everyday would be always.